Have you ever had a conflict with a friend, family member, or partner and felt dismissed? Feeling like your feelings were ignored, or shut down? You may be dealing with an individual who doesn’t want to resolve the conflict with you but is trying to control the disagreement by invalidating you. Here are three subtle signs your feelings might be getting dismissed.

Your feelings are constantly dismissed

For many, it is a strength to be able to identify what they are feeling, acknowledge these feelings and share them with another person. Not only is this a strength, but there is also a vulnerability that is occurring too.

Let’s say you have an extra ticket to a musical performance, you ask your friend to join you, and they eagerly agree. You kindly asked them to meet you at a specific time, as this performance does not allow late admission. Your friend agrees to be on time. The day before the event, you send your friend a friendly text to remind them to arrive on time, because you know your friend is notorious for showing up late. The night of the performance, your friend arrives fifteen minutes late, expressing their frustration for the traffic that “made them late” and their frustration for the ushers who adamantly refuse to admit late comers, and your friend appears visibly frustrated.

You then remind your friend that you asked them to arrive on time, as the performance does not permit late admission. In return, the friend takes no responsibility for their actions and dismisses you. What could constantly dismissing your feelings look like?

You express that you may feel disappointed by them not respecting your time. Instead of recognizing and apologizing, they simply don’t respond at all and respond with silence. This could also be the friend choosing to change the subject; as a result, they are then shutting down the conversation and not allowing space to occur to reconcile the conflict. Or this could look like gaslighting: the individual will repeatedly dismiss your feelings with the intent to make you doubt your own reactions, and often frame you as “too sensitive”, having “too high an expectation,” or saying “don’t you see all that I do for you.”

Do you see what happened there? In each of their responses, the individual shifted from taking responsibility for their actions, and shifted the responsibility to you being the problem.

Your feelings are treated as unimportant

So, you and your friend are standing in the lobby, and your friend could respond with silence, changing the subject, or gaslighting. Now, let’s take a step back and remember that you sent a text message to your friend to remind them to arrive on time. How are you feeling in this space? Are your feelings being recognized by your friend?

Unfortunately, they aren’t and are communicating to you verbally and non-verbally that your feelings are unimportant.

Let’s say your friend switches the subject, “Oh, just forget about it, you know what, let’s just check out this new bar that recently opened. I’ve heard great things about it.” On the receiving end, this can be a difficult space to be in: you invited your friend to an event and gave them a complimentary ticket. You’ve communicated the importance of your friend arriving on time more than once.

Now you and your friend are standing in the lobby, and your friend is visibly irritated that you just don’t agree to go to the bar. As you glance over your shoulder to try to gain some clarity, you see the ushers awkwardly looking at you and your friend, who were one of the few latecomers. You may start to experience a physical shift occurring in your body. The increase in your heartbeat, a sinking feeling in your stomach, or an unusual increase of heat in body temperature. Why? Your physical body is sharing with you that something isn’t right in this situation. It’s fascinating how our physical body will reflect our emotional state.

In that moment, standing in the lobby, you may be reflecting and believe that your feelings are not important: your friend hasn’t taken any responsibility for the choices they have made, which have directly impacted you. Or have they created any space to apologize? How do you respond?

Before moving forward, let’s stay in this place, the same few minutes that the friend suggested that you check out this new and trendy bar is the same few minutes they could have said, “I’m sorry that I was late, I know you had mentioned to me that I should have arrived on time, but I got sidetracked and left home later than I should. Sorry about this, and if you’re up for it, maybe we can check out this trendy bar.” What happened there? There was acknowledgement, ownership of their actions, and an apology.

You’re feeling emotionally drained after interactions

At this point, you’ve put in the emotional effort to be both authentic and vulnerable in return; you’ve been “gifted” with someone who chooses not to recognize your feelings, take ownership of their actions, or provide an authentic apology. This can easily leave a person feeling emotionally drained. Sharing your emotions and being vulnerable with someone takes both physical and emotional energy. Maybe before the interactions, your energy and mood were high, but afterwards, you notice a shift and now feel low.

How can you respond?

I like to use the acronym CEO, which could be helpful in these tricky situations. Gain clarity, ensure emotional safety, and take ownership. Gain clarity about the dynamic. This may not occur right in the moment, or it could be simply stating, “I am expressing my disappointment with your response to this situation.” If you then receive the same response of silence, gaslighting, or changing the topic. You have been. Provided with clarity on how this person is choosing to respond.

However, if you don’t want to gain clarity right away and provide yourself some time and space, this could be done by carving out some time the following morning to journal and process your thoughts, or talking with a trusted individual.

Emotional safety

Ensure that you recognize both the need and the vital importance of your emotional safety. Emotional safety is being able to express your feelings and emotions and for another individual to create a safe space for this to occur, and in return, you would also provide a safe space for the other person to share their concerns. Here's an easy acronym to use to help ensure emotional safety: ROA. Recognize feelings. Take ownership of actions. Provide an authentic apology. If both parties can do that, that is emotional safety.

Ownership

Create space and take ownership of your time, energy and space. Make a personal choice and decide how you want to respond to the situation – taking ownership helps you not to feel like you are losing your voice in the situation. However, be aware that an invalidator will likely try to invalidate your choice. The most important step with ownership is ensuring that you are being authentic to yourself, your emotional needs and your well-being.