My friend, do you feel exhausted or overwhelmed in social situations? Do you struggle at times with what to say in a conversation or how to keep a conversation going? Or perhaps at times you may feel disappointed after leaving a social gathering with yourself being more on the sidelines of the conversation rather than engaging in the conversation. Perhaps you have felt isolated or alone with some of these thoughts. Would you like support with feeling more comfortable in social situations? I’m here to share with you that you aren’t alone, and these concerns are more common than you may think.

As a therapist, I’ve seen this countless times, as this is an area in which many individuals seek support. I must highlight a disclaimer, though, that there is certainly a diagnosis of social anxiety disorder, and this is not what this article is focusing on. We are primarily talking about individuals who feel that they may need just a little bit more help or support when in a social situation. So, let’s dive in here and talk about a few simple tips that can help you feel more at ease in social situations, and at the end of the article, I’m going to highlight an excellent resource that I often recommend to clients who are seeking support in this area.

First Up: increase calm in your mind and body

Social situations can be stressful for many individuals; however, the intensity of the stress can vary depending on the individual. If you are experiencing heightened anxiety or stress before a social engagement. Consider spending some time to help to reduce this anxiety or stress with deep breathing. Deep breathing has a powerful impact on the body, and simply spending 3 – 5 minutes with deep breathing can have a significant effect. And by finding a quiet space to practice deep breathing, this can have several powerful benefits – it can help to reduce your heart rate and blood pressure, lower cortisol levels, and lastly, it can help to enhance focus and concentration. If deep breathing isn’t your preference for an activity, no worries. A movement activity will also help to increase calmness in your body – this could be done by going for a light walk.

Second: practice

What is that old saying, “practice makes perfect”? I’m not entirely sure how accurate that saying is, but I will say, “Practice will help you feel more comfortable.” What could that look like? It could begin with writing down a few questions you would feel comfortable asking someone, and questions that you would feel comfortable answering. The key to asking questions in social settings when you want to keep that conversation going is to focus on asking open-ended questions. Debra Fine does an excellent job of explaining this in her book, How to Start a Conversation and Keep It Going.

Start with open-ended questions. What is an open-ended question? Well, I am thrilled that you asked! An open-ended question provides an answer that is beyond one word. And this also impacts how a conversation can keep going. Let’s take a closer look, for example, if you are talking to someone who is new and you’d like to learn a bit more about them, and you know their hometownis Chicago. You could ask, “Can you tell me more about what it was like to grow up in Chicago?” Or you could ask, “Did you like growing up in Chicago?” See the difference, the first question you are going to get a wealth of knowledge about this individual’s experience compared to asking it the second way, and the individual can simply say - “yes.” So, take some time and think about a few open-ended questions, and practice helps to make the body and mind feel more comfortable.

Third: quiet the inner critic

Let’s quiet that inner critic. Have you heard this term before? The inner critic can often be an extremely loud voice or a soft, constant whisper in our head. Often, the Inner Critic is saying negative things about us, and sadly, we often do this to ourselves. The inner critic is that voice that can unexpectedly and unfortunately get louder and louder when we are in stressful situations. It may be present when you are chatting with someone new, and the inner critic could say cruel words like, “You’re doing a horrible job.” “Why are you even trying?” When the inner critic voice pops up and is causing an emotional disruption to consider being kind to yourself. Think about taking a short break to reground yourself. You can also preplan by writing out a few achievements you are proud of or affirmations that you can read when needed, and while you are taking that break, review these positive memories or thoughts. Ideally, this will help you to ground yourself, boost that confidence that you are doing okay, and quiet that inner critic.

Lastly, consider checking out Debra’s Fine Book – How to Start a Conversation and Keep It Going: The Fine Art of Small Talk. I have recommended this book countless times to clients, and it is an excellent resource to help individuals to feel more comfortable and build confidence in social situations. She has a great style of helping an individual build the skills needed to keep the conversation going. Debra is a genuine and authentic writer, drawing from many of her own personal experiences and generously providing a lot of practical options. Interested in learning more? As I tell my clients, and I will tell you too, this book is often available at your local library.