If you are alive, you will experience conflict. Conflict occurs when two or more people differ on something that matters to them. Conflict is a disagreement or clash between individuals, groups, or entities that arises from differing interests, values, beliefs, or goals. It can manifest as an emotional struggle, competition, or open hostility and can occur in various contexts, including personal relationships, workplaces, and international relations. As the definition suggests, emotions often play a major role in how conflict is expressed and resolved.

The emotions experienced by each “side” will wax and wane, but they are usually unpleasant and can lead to embarrassment, irrationality, impaired concentration, impulsivity, and failure to consider options. One’s capacity to recognize and manage emotions and one’s familiarity with conflict in various contexts will influence how effectively conflicts are managed.

This reality alone implies that the more one is self-aware of emotions and experienced in conflict contexts, the more effective one will be. If you question this, just observe a young parent and a young child in a grocery store when their goals differ.

Since conflict is inevitable, it benefits us to be emotionally self-aware and to be aware of the emotional expressions of those around us. Psychology calls this skill Emotional Intelligence (EI). Entire books have been written about it and how it affects leaders, teams, and business success. Clearly, relationships with family and friends, and the conflicts therein, are also strongly influenced by EI.

Books on conflict resolution also abound. This brief article highlights basic knowledge and key strategies for applying emotional self-awareness in contexts of conflict. Let us start with the basics of emotional self-awareness and techniques to improve it. Next, we’ll note some typical conflict resolution styles usually identified in business books, and we’ll close with an imperfect first list of steps to better resolve conflicts with emotional awareness.

Emotional self-awareness

As the name suggests, emotional self-awareness is the conscious recognition of our own feelings. As feelings can sometimes come and go quickly and vary in intensity from inklings to strong waves, emotional self-awareness is not a steady state, but a process that waxes and wanes depending on conditions within and around us.

When we are sick, stressed, or lacking sleep, our emotions can be magnified and stormy. If the people around us are loud or agitated, our emotions tend to follow suit. When we are in a quiet, peaceful environment and feeling well, the surfacing of a budding emotion can be identified and pursued if desired. Our general awareness of our bodies and our familiarity with the range of emotions we experience also influence our emotional awareness.

The variance in body awareness across people is amazing. Some of us detect minor changes in shoulder muscle tightness, while others do not, and only become aware of it when a throbbing headache presents. However, with practice and deliberate effort, one’s body awareness can be increased or decreased.

Therapists are trained to be more aware of their bodies and those of their clients, and soldiers are trained to tune out emotions during conflicts. Families can encourage, discourage, or ignore discussion of body sensations. Likewise, there is great variation in how much people notice and attend to their feelings. Again, families, teachers, and authority figures can encourage, discourage, or ignore feelings.

The more you attend to your body, the easier it is to recognize feelings and give them a name. Surprisingly, often people can describe only 6 or fewer feelings. Many people operate within a narrow, functional emotional vocabulary, often referred to as "4 to 6'ers" in psychological studies.1

The exact number of emotions is in debate, but it is clear that it is more than four. Plutchik identifies 8 basic emotions: Joy, Trust, Fear, Surprise, Sadness, Anticipation, Anger, and Disgust, often arranged in a wheel, with many sub-emotions that radiate from the 8. Recent research identified 27 distinct categories.2 This study identified 27 distinct dimensions, including admiration, adoration, awe, boredom, craving, and nostalgia.3 It is helpful to consider some basic perspectives in all the research. They are noted below:

  • Basic/universal emotions: These are considered fundamental, experienced by all human cultures, and often have distinct facial expressions.

  • Complex emotions: These are combinations of basic emotions, such as love being a combination of joy and trust.

  • Dimensional models: These categorize emotions by intensity (arousal) and whether they are positive or negative (valence).

  • Neuroscience perspective: Some studies suggest that emotions are produced by distinct neural circuits in the brain, such as the seven systems (rage, fear, grief, lust, care, seeking, and play) proposed by neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp.

While psychologists may disagree on the exact number, they generally agree that emotions are complex, sometimes blended, and fundamental for navigation and survival. When involved in a conflict, it is essential to know and manage your own emotions and to quickly identify the emotions of the person with whom you are in conflict. Your emotional awareness facilitates crucial decisions you make as the conflict evolves.

To increase your emotional awareness, there are several techniques you can choose. First, however, you must allow yourself to feel. There are outdated and harmful pressures that encourage people to tune out their feelings. If you experience any of these pressures, do your best to ignore them and select from the strategies suggested below to become more emotionally aware.

  1. Journal and think: Write down your feelings each day, including what caused them, to help identify patterns. Thinking involves writing down all thoughts to identify the feelings driving them.

  2. Connect with your bodily sensations: emotions often manifest physically (e.g., a clenched jaw for anger or a heavy chest for sadness).

  3. Name emotions: Instead of using broad terms like "bad," use specific, nuanced words like "betrayal," "insecure," or "anxious" to better describe your emotional experience.

  4. Mindfulness and meditation: Take time to observe your feelings without judging them.

  5. Pause: Stop for a few seconds before acting on an emotion to create space for conscious reflection.

  6. Use a Feelings Wheel: Utilize a feelings wheel or chart to help build your emotional vocabulary and pinpoint exactly what you are experiencing.

  7. Seek Professional Support: A therapist or counselor can help you unpack complex, buried, or intense emotions.

Remember to be patient as you practice. Developing emotional awareness takes time. Also, do not judge: Accept all emotions as valid messengers rather than "good" or “bad". Ask "why": Consider the message behind the feeling, such as what it needs (e.g., sadness might need comfort, anger might need a boundary).

Conflict resolution styles

Just as there are several perspectives and theories on emotion, there are several conflict resolution styles identified in the business literature.4 The Thomas-Kilmann model is popular and identifies five styles: Competing, Avoiding, Collaborating, Accommodating, and Compromising.5 This model highlights two dimensions, cooperation and assertiveness. The US Navy has a “5 Cs” model that I have found very helpful. The five Cs are: Circumvent, Concede, Compete, Compromise, and Collaborate.6 Other approaches include the Interest-Based Relational Approach, which focuses on maintaining relationships while addressing the interests of all parties involved. It emphasizes understanding the needs behind positions to facilitate collaboration.

  • Negotiation and mediation: This model involves a neutral third party who assists in navigating the conflict and reaching a mutually agreeable solution through negotiation techniques.

  • Dual concern model: This model posits that individuals have two primary concerns in conflict situations: their own outcomes and others’ outcomes. The chosen resolution style reflects a balance of these concerns.

  • The acronym “C.E.L.L.” model: (Connect, Explore, Listen, Lead): This model highlights the importance of connection and understanding before leading towards a resolution.

Beyond these models, Furlong (2005) identifies eight different conflict resolution models that focus on Analysis and Diagnosis of the conflict before resolution. His focus on analysis and diagnosis across models is correct. Many parties move into conflict resolution attempts without a sufficient understanding of the root causes and background of the conflict. This is a grievous error.

All models include the need for active listening (ensuring all parties feel heard by using techniques like paraphrasing and mirroring); empathy and emotional management (understanding others' feelings, maintaining composure, and avoiding the urge to assign blame); identifying underlying interests (distinguishing between superficial positions (what they say they want) and deep-seated interests (why they want it); clear and respectful communication (expressing needs and concerns directly and non-threateningly); collaborative problem-solving (focusing on finding mutually acceptable solutions rather than solely trying to “win”); reframing: (shifting the perspective of the conflict to highlight common goals); accountability: (accepting personal responsibility for a share of the conflict).

Suggested steps for emotionally aware conflict resolution

Prepare phase

  • Prepare for conflict resolution: understand the root(s) of the conflict and the history of remediation attempts. Take notes of your analysis.

  • Identify clearly the emotions you experience as you prepare and write them down.

  • Ask yourself what emotions the other party in the conflict may be experiencing and write them down.

  • Propose parameters for the upcoming meeting and the ground rules for communication.

  • Propose agenda (order of who speaks first, etc.).

  • Send proposed parameters and proposed agenda to the other party in the conflict.

Meeting and expression of views

  1. Gentle review of the agenda and parameters.

  2. Expression of the view of conflict by each party concurrent with.

  3. Careful observation of emotions by yourself and the other party.

  4. Suggest a pause when emotions are hampering the expression of views; take a break, but do not stop meeting at this point.

  5. During the pause, do not rehash feelings. Look for the source of feelings and develop a non-emotional statement of what is important to you. Write it down. If you are calm, you may also try to identify what is important to the other party. Usually, this is not possible in the time allowed for the break.

  6. Reconvene the meeting with fresh cold water and easy and plentiful snacks.

  7. Invite the other party to share their most important issues as concisely as possible.

  8. Share your important issues concisely and unemotionally.

  9. Summarize issues accurately and suggest another meeting, several days hence.

Patiently repeat the process as many times as necessary until resolution. When you have a resolution, relax and celebrate, if possible, with the other party. Good luck!

Notes

1 Time Magazine.
2 UC Berkeley.
3 Greater Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life.
4 Rudolf, 2025.
5 Thomas and Kilmann, 1974.
6 Naval Facilities Engineering Systems Command.