Having worked with many women over the years in fashion styling, I’ve noticed something striking. Most shy away from the word “sexy.” They say they prefer to be seen as “feminine,” “elegant,” or sometimes “sensual,” but almost never sexy. And yet, aren’t these just different expressions of the same experience? Different tones of the same music? It’s like a volume dial turning up from feminine to sensual to sexy. In truth, the word “sexy” doesn’t really exist on its own. It’s not something separate from us, a label we choose to wear or reject. It’s part of the much broader, richer experience of being a woman. When we resist the word, we’re often not rejecting our own sensuality; we’re rejecting what society has made the word mean. Because the problem isn’t the feeling, it’s the social consequences of embracing it.

This fear of standing out, of being too much, too free, is especially strong for women over 40 who’ve spent a lifetime navigating the expectations of others. We want to feel radiant, desirable, and vibrant in connection with our sexuality, but we also want to be taken seriously. And too often, we’ve been told we can’t be both. That we must choose. So we stay on the safe side of the line. We dress in ways that are pleasing to others. We remain “appropriate,” well-groomed, and agreeable. We play the shy girl. The good girl. We keep things soft, neutral, and unobtrusive. And yet, inside, there’s another woman! A woman who is ambitious, opinionated, sensual, vibrant, generous, and strong like a lioness.

When our outer image no longer matches our inner self, we begin to feel misaligned. And that’s where the discomfort comes in. Styling becomes a mask. We start to feel stuck, anxious, unseen, and dull. Because we’re not expressing ourselves, we’re hiding. We shrink in spaces where we’re meant to shine. We fear that if we pop out or show a shoulder or a leg, we’ll be misunderstood. Not taken seriously. Seen as trying too hard. Called inappropriate. Or worse, “slutty.” So it becomes easier to stay small. It becomes easier to disappear. But easier doesn’t mean better. Staying invisible may keep us safe, but it also keeps us unfulfilled. What if there’s another way?

Personal style isn’t just about what you wear. It’s how you shape your aura. It’s how you place your personality into the world without having to speak. It’s the visual language of who you are. And when your style is in alignment with your truth, it becomes a source of confidence and clarity. It allows you to walk into the world with presence, not performance, and to explore the different facets of your womanhood. When expressed intentionally, femininity, sensuality, and yes, even sexiness, do not make you less capable, less intelligent, or less serious. They make you more whole. More human. More visible. More connected. More wild. More free. You don’t owe your sensuality to anyone. You give it only to the people you choose. You wear it for yourself and walk out of the apartment feeling so turned on that you want to do you!

The good news is, you don’t need to transform overnight. You can begin with small steps, slow steps, and daily choices. Start where you already feel comfortable. Maybe it’s a deeper shade of lipstick. A more fluid fabric. A bolder earring. A blouse that moves when you walk. A see-through fabric. A latex belt. A leather accessory. A short skirt. A tight pant. A color that makes your skin glow. These choices are seeds. And what starts as something small begins to grow into something powerful. With time, you build a new image, an image that feels more like you. More aligned. More connected to the different women you already have inside of you. Not a mask. Not a performance. Just the truth of your most and least extreme expressions.

It’s also important to recognize that this hesitation many women feel around standing out, around being sexy or sensual, can come from deeper places. For some, past experiences of being objectified or aggressed make it feel safer not to be seen at all. They use styling to disappear, to protect the body, to shield it rightfully. Oversized clothes, neutral colors, and shapes that hide rather than show. It becomes armor. But over time, the armor begins to suffocate. Hiding doesn’t make the wound go away. It just disconnects us further. Reclaiming style can be a way of healing your sexy inner goddess. A way of gently reintroducing ourselves to ourselves. And it must be done with kindness. With slowness. With love. One piece at a time. One safe moment at a time. A piece that feels like you. A garment that tells a story. An item you wear just at home. A dress you’ve hidden in the back of the closet, worn first in private, then maybe outside. Not to impress. Just to remember what it feels like to enjoy yourself.

This isn’t about seducing the world. It’s about welcoming yourself back to yourself. It’s about rebuilding your self-image from a place of presence, not shame. There’s no race. No right way. But each gesture of styling is a gesture of self-recognition. It’s a way of saying: I am allowed to take up space.” I am allowed to feel beautiful. I am allowed to be both soft and sharp, shy and bold, elegant and wild, sexy and intellectual.

The truth is, the goal is not to just be sexy. The goal is to be whole. To feel that every part of us is welcome. That our womanhood doesn’t need to be split into acceptable and not-acceptable boxes. That we can embrace our femininity, our intelligence, our sensuality, and our maturity all at once. There’s no contradiction. When you allow your image to reflect the complexity and beauty of who you are inside, you walk into the world not as a woman trying to be something but as a woman who already is, and you can choose in which circumstances and with whom which part of you wants to freely express itself.

And that is a presence, vulnerability, and fire no one can ignore.