Sam, a lovable yet tormented neighbor, seemed to be a constant bundle of nerves. He worried about every aspect of his life, especially his children. As a widower, he felt an immense responsibility to give his two sons the best possible life to make up for the absence of their mother. The entire family had been deeply traumatized by his wife's battle with cancer, a shadow that still lingered over them.

On Sunday mornings, Sam and I would often meet at either his place or mine to discuss the events of the week. These gatherings were a time for both of us to unload our burdens and share our concerns, providing a much-needed outlet for our worries and stresses. What was evident with Sam was his animated mind that never switched off from principally negative stories. His heartache of losing his best friend left him frustratingly controlling everything so his family would not suffer again.

Observing his overanxious behavior, I had the need to express my concern for his mental well-being, and he admitted he was tired of hammering out everything each day. So I seized the opportunity to facilitate. I had learned some techniques from the book The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris. The first thing we dealt with was the “Thinking Self and the Observing Self.”

The thinking self

Imagine the part of Sam's mind that is always buzzing with activity. This is the thinking self—the relentless engine of thought that thinks about all the negative stories, then plans, judges, compares, imagines, and creates. Picture Sam on a Sunday morning, meticulously planning things that can go wrong throughout his week. He assesses his tasks, prioritizes them, compares options for weekend activities, and envisions possible outcomes. This cognitive whirlwind is his thinking self at work, constantly evaluating and strategizing.

The observing self

In stark contrast, the observing self is the quiet, watchful part of Sam's consciousness. It is responsible for his focus, attention, and awareness, yet it produces no thoughts of its own. Visualize Sam sitting in his garden, absorbing the serenity around him. As thoughts flit through his mind—about work, errands, or past conversations—he merely notices them without getting entangled. This calm, detached awareness is his observing self, providing a sanctuary from the mental chatter of the thinking self.

The reason why I asked him to distinguish between these two selves is that by cultivating the observing self, Sam has found a way to step back from the constant noise of his thoughts and gain clarity. This practice allows him to respond to life’s challenges with greater equanimity and insight, fostering a sense of peace and fulfillment that eluded him before.

To help Sam distinguish between thinking and observing, he uses a simple exercise: he sits quietly and notices each thought or image as it appears in his mind. For example, if Sam thinks about an upcoming birthday party of his son, he simply notes, "Thinking about the party," without further engaging with the thought.

Sam's thinking self is like an adversary on the radio that constantly plays in the background, often broadcasting negative stories. For example, while doing household chores, Sam's mind might replay past mistakes he made at his son’s last years party or worry about future problems. Recognizing this constant mental chatter helps Sam understand that these thoughts are just noise.

Sam practices letting thoughts come and go without focusing on them. When a thought about an unfinished task pops into his head, he acknowledges it but treats it like background noise, allowing it to pass without being absorbed by it.

Ten deep breaths exercise

Sam uses breathing exercise to enhance his ability to disengage from unhelpful thoughts. He takes ten deep breaths, focusing solely on the sensation of breathing. As thoughts arise, he acknowledges them but gently returns his focus to his breath. This exercise helps Sam to center his attention and let go of distracting thoughts.

Regular practice of acknowledging and unhooking from thoughts is crucial for Sam. For instance, when Sam notices a thought about a past argument with his son, he accepts its presence without judgment and then gently shifts his focus back to the present activity, like cooking dinner.

Sam understands that the enemy in the mind will continue to produce thoughts as he has been through so much but by learning to recognize and unhook from them, he reduces their impact. For example, even though Sam still experiences anxiety about his life, recognizing it as a mere thought helps him prevent it from overwhelming his emotions and actions.

The observing self is a powerful ally in transforming Sam's life. By cultivating the ability to observe his thoughts without getting entangled in them, Sam finds more peace and clarity. This ongoing practice significantly impacts his ability to live a fulfilling life.

We discussed ways to reduce his panic attacks at work too. Here's a practical exercise that Sam uses, which you can try too:

  • Sit comfortably: find a quiet place to sit comfortably with your eyes closed.

  • Focus on Your Breath: take a few deep breaths to center yourself.

  • Notice thoughts and images: as you sit quietly, notice any thoughts or images that come to mind. Simply observe them without engaging.

  • Label your thoughts: entally label each thought or image. For instance, "thinking about work," "planning dinner," or "imagining the weekend."

  • Return to the breath: after labeling a thought, gently return your focus to your breath.

  • Repeat for 5-10 minutes: continue this practice for 5-10 minutes, observing and labeling thoughts as they arise and returning to your breath.

By regularly practicing this exercise, Sam strengthens his ability to observe his thoughts which were his enemy, without reacting to them. This makes him more aware and less stressed. As a result, Sam feels much happier and more satisfied with life. He is more present in daily activities and handles challenges more calmly. These improvements in his mental well-being have significantly boosted his overall happiness.