this amber light flickering or
shivering. Or intact.
your call. In
her element.

somewhere between the leaves of a heart-shaped
monstera, in the air between monster clouds &
the space between our dying stars we find faults in—
the selfless marries the narcissist
the altar blurred by the fog
of uncertainty—
blinkers must have my glasses, too much
appetite to contain behind bars,
tripping us up over my railway
of turbulent euphoria or euphoric turbulence.
air colored in a shade of unknown
unknowns, monster-cloud of assumptions
swallow us up to
turn us into smoke, turn us into
ashes & dust I inhale
gladly— I must contain

a mishap— ecstasy shining bright within
toxic electricity,
hiding behind lightning,
bullet-words cutting deep as swords
in & out & in
open hearts with minds off-key,
out of sync,
under water. All of our
confessions, all that is ours
muffled, not yet
suffocated in time’s river.
blending with promises echoing
in caves of Forever & bang
bangs marking the end the end—

mimicking diamonds lab-made, not
showered in blood, in the
rough, I dive & find
I’ve been in the wrong red ocean,
all along— drowning along with
people chasing green paper—

feel the distant & flickering moon
trapped between the waves of our
suffocating ocean,
we betray everyday
preparing our collapse as we do in
love-kill-love cycles—

only through the cracked windows
of my cornea I can hear & feel,
feel & touch the invisible— throw
myself on the bed like a lit fire
on a match— eating
all my air, yellow dark wind in hair,
lighting my sleep
to get a taste of sweet-bitter
while alive,
I see fireworks,
blood moons & blood guns,
all behind eyes
wide shut—

say “seize”
as I capture this moment
carved in flowing memory
fickle as unguarded
ice under summer’s

I say thank you for all the free
associations. Without
I thank
my subconscious for the
balloon ride among distant stars
dark & light & the grays nesting in between —
say hi to the pitch black, to supernovas, and other
dystopias billions of light-years
away from beating hearts with
accompanying breaths
already a corpse-cloud now—

I feel my wings growing larger than
life, before I mistake gravity for a
friend, & fantasy for a fact,
only unchecked, marred, blurred
lines everywhere, creeping up in
mind, whispering I can birth
miracles, pissing off the right
miserable people—

might kill my next ex, or ex next
with an axe—
dreams & nightmares swirl
now ghosts in real life, let us
revive & thrive in wrecked loneliness
together— we can hold hands & hearts
may remain alone torn, I must have warned
you, you & you

catastrophizing is a sport I adopt—
I make a killing,
no more knitting
no cooking just eating pure
flesh and bones like dogs,
can you hear the crunching from
where you’re standing, tall, on your throne
I am the wilderness— cannot contain
all this fury I buried neat, neat enough
to suffocate clean, invisible
ashes & debris—
before I can
capture my own fury & hurry &
some scream trapped in the face of an eternal corpse
from Pompeii—

marking my quiet
life, safe among spaceships—
floating among stars
an astronaut with a bad eye
blinded by stardust.
no gravity to save me,
take me back to earth in a fireball.
I must be living an ultra-violent life
floating among scars bright
adorned with light

soul carved by the archaic opinions
of cowards & mice—
bickering mosquitoes join in the
song of critical dance in head.
need some cleaning, some
killing, my

all this a gift only the sky can hold—
how claustrophobic are your
my skin
can hold more—

— Miami, December 2022

This poem was inspired by the poem “On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous” by Ocean Vuong, and the song Kill Bill, by SZA, written with the stream of consciousness method originally introduced by Virginia Woolf.