Sun shining, so bright.
The water was rendered gold beneath it,
a beautiful real-life painting,
I wanted to reach out and touch.
The water is alive with movement, sunlight dancing over it
Turning it into a thousand brilliant golden scales,
Moving in harmony, reflecting the beautiful yellow sheen.

From afar, I looked at the waves breaking over the beach,
It felt as if they were going over me,
Tides over my toes, crawling over my limbs, immersing my head

I got closer
I loved how I felt, standing up at the edge of the ocean, with bare feet,
The sea and the shore worked together, burying the base of my legs in soft quicksand
Immersed, we collided, connected as one.

And then, I was whole.

I loved it when I was me, with all of me.

When there was no shame, just me watching as my thoughts and feelings passed by
Like clouds
Pure, like the colour of the sky, like the brown of my eyes

I stood on the beach, and let the sun embrace me, cover me with sweat, it was me, all me
I took off my pants and let my hair down, it was me
My feet were hairy, my stomach was bloated, and it was okay, it was me, all me
And the sea didn’t care, it saw me for me.

I used to enjoy being me, and I missed that,
I liked how I feel all of my emotions at the sight of a beautiful tree
And I loved how a tide of endless thoughts dims me with every sunset
Into a darkness that once was terrifying, but now became an essence, where I'm reborn again and again

I lay on my back, in the waters, and I let go,
Floating in this big vast ocean, I open my arms like a star
for once, I'm not afraid of where it can take me
After all, all I ever wanted was to be free, of my tense shoulders and barriers of thoughts
Of the invisible wall that keeps words from flowing out of me and dying at my throat
Of all the eyes that wont let me be, and of my eyes that see them all

I want to be free
From all the gazes in all the places
I want to be one with the waves,
cutting through the oceans of the world like a blade
I want to cross my fingers together, intertwined; I feel complete

It’s a clear dark in this place

No cover, no comfort, just open, unfeeling space
I try to escape
No shadows to hold me in this dimly lit gloom
I’m suffocating, These walls felt like my tomb

I close my eyes and try to see me, but I cant
All I see is a wall, with a crack,

My fingers tire, as they dig and scrape
desperate to break through
But alas, it has gone so deep, deeper than I knew
I must have been building this wall all along
I never knew the pain ran so profound
For my walls to grow so tall
Or maybe I lived so long with this invisible soldier
this protector inside me, always on guard
Shielding a part of me, that has always lived inside me,
but I never got to see

Layers upon layers, so deep,
under which hid my little truest me.

Sun shining so bright.
Now I know
There is still hope
To life, to her.
Trembling in a corner
One day
All that fear will melt away
Her walls will shatter, rocks aweigh
There is love now and it’s here to stay

Peace.
And a promise of a new day.

Sombre, clear dark.
I stand on the dance floor, and shake my bones
My body flushes out the tremors of yesterday
I’m tired
sick of the eyes, that stare too long
The voices that try to bend me, make me obey
I remain faithful only to me,
to my heart,
my truth
I wish I can go far
so far away

I close my eyes and try to find my north
It’s not there,
my eyes flicker left and right, in all ways
Where is my north?

Life has toggled me in all directions,
My compass, lost on direction
Frightful trains of thought
Rushing through without pause
I step outside onto the porch,
Away from everything.

Open, naked dark.
I wish I could stop the hurt,
and that they never did hurt,
I wish they had never passed over their pain
I wish they kept my slate clean

Hurt people hurt people
And it’s all so hard, on the tiny shattered pieces of my heart.

Breathe.
I breathe in, eyes closed
I remain in emptiness, I trust I will hear my calling
I ask myself, where is my north
And emptiness provides.
I don’t think a north happened for me, Yet.

Sunshine, sheen. Stillness.

My north will happen
Once I learn to walk at my own pace
To trust my inner space
My gut, the truest me
I want to be whole
I want to reunite my shattered pieces
I want pain to make my rising, not my fall.
I wish my north to glow so effervescently clear
I wish there to be no me in shame, I wish I could reach out

Dark, a darkness that sees you.

Eyes burst open, I look around
From the corner I hear a sound
Coming from inside a tiny little box
I open it, it’s the sun I found!

Whose shine was once suffocated, now it lit the room blind
my flesh burns, but my heart warms up for I know,
it’s me, coming back to me,
Uniting with the dust of the world becoming one.

Shine,
blinding,
blazing,
scalding so hot!

I always knew all along,
My home was the sun.
My wounds were kissed, my blisters softened
My pain healed
But not all at once.

There would be no future, if not the past
There’s so much to be relived, so many feelings bypassed
And I learned, to speak my truth, at last!
And to be soft with myself, and with the rest.
I hadn’t be afraid, my north was there I just had to feel it,
give in to it, surrender,
without being scared or tamed.

A new me, was being born
This feels like peace, even if it’s small.
We all are different souls, to each their own
Way of being alone.
I used to fear myself,
And the unknown
Now I held me dear, the shivers were gone
I hugged myself and said, You are safe.

A brick, gone, I held myself so dear.

For me the road has never been clear
Still isn’t
And that’s okay,
At least now, I'm my own captain, learning how to steer
With all of my grit
Keeping fears at bay,
I don’t have to scream through the silence,
so violent
to tear that wall,
I only had to touch it and try to make sense
Gently and not relent
Unravel myself bit by bit.
Once and for all.

I am my own mystery, a most beautiful one
A journey, so fun
And I'm happy to know, It all only just begun
I keep telling myself, its no big deal, its just pain
It wont kill you trust me, you just have to power through, dance through the rain!

And its all so true and real,
It kills me 11 times, not just once,
It burns layers to my soul, under my armour made of steel
It reincarnated, purged, every ounce
And I live to tell my future self about, all the errors I renounced.

Cathartic,
Burning into truth, so raw, real and pristine
Shedding the bits that never were me,
Everything that leeched on, for too long like a fiend
Only truth remained.

Serene

In my shine,
Weightless, Not perfect,
no longer carrying what never was mine.

A new day was born, between the darkness of the night and the light of the sun
I want time and space to be one,
I want there to be no I, no you or me
Just what’s become
And when I close my eyes, I want to be able to see,
Unmasked, the real me.

Deep as the ocean, blue as the sea
Yellow as the sun, green as the tree